Ovid's Dating Advice
Love Lessons from a Roman Poet
Dear Classical Wisdom Reader,
Some things really never change.
I think we regularly find here at Classical Wisdom that when we look into the past, we find the same human emotions and passions of today, over and over again.
Particularly in matters of the heart.
Whether its the excitement of first love in ancient Greek novels like Daphnis and Chloe, or the pain of separation, like Odysseus longing for his wife, the ancients understood both the pleasures and pangs of romance.
So, to round off this week of Valentine’s Day celebrations, today’s article looks at some wise words on all things romantic from the Roman poet, Ovid, taken from his work The Art of Love.
His advice on how to find a romantic partner might surprise you with just how little things have changed over the millennia…
Just make sure you keep your toga clean!
All the best,
Sean Kelly
Managing Editor
Classical Wisdom
Ovid’s Dating Advice
By Benjamin Shehadi
Love is, in the words of George Costanza, the “timeless art of seduction.”
As far back as the Roman Empire, the poet Ovid gave some timeless advice of his own about romance. Ovid wrote his Art of Love in response to Emperor Augustus’ morality laws, which criminalized adultery. In it, the poet explores all the most personal, intimate aspects of romance.
Ovid organizes his advice according to gender, but his tips—like any good literature—are truly universal.
Finding love
“Now the first task for you who come as a raw recruit is to find out who you might wish to love. The next task is to make sure that she likes you. The third, to see to it that the love will last.”
According to Ovid, finding a lover is the first and most important step of the romantic process. The Roman poet recommends finding a place where girls are likely to be.
“You too, who search for the essence of lasting love must be taught the places that the girls frequent.”
However, he cautions against going to extreme lengths just to find women.
“I don’t demand you set your sails, and search or wear out some long road to discover them.”
Ovid gives a few examples of his own. He recommends the theater, the races, the circus, the dinner table, and the beach. Obviously, Rome’s public spaces were much different than modern ones. Ovid’s advice today would probably apply to a modern-day bar or club. Or even something like a library or a park.
Attracting someone
Finding girls is not enough. Obviously, you have to talk to them. For this, Ovid has some tips.
“Now find your reason for friendly conversation, and first of all engage in casual talks,”
Ovid says nothing about posturing or being a macho man. He simply recommends engaging in a friendly, causal conversation. Nothing too fancy, nothing too hard. The best trick Ovid gives for talking to girls is, quite frankly, alcohol.
“Wine rouses courage and is fit for passion. Care flies, and deep drinking dilutes it.”
Look presentable
To date well, Ovid tells us, you have to look good. Dress well. Groom yourself. Look the part.
“Neatness pleases. A body tanned from exercise. A well-fitting and spotless toga’s good.”
Although we might not wear togas anymore, wearing clean clothes definitely increases your prospects, as does being athletic and well-groomed.
Be bold
One of the biggest pick-up mistakes, in Ovid’s view, is simply being too timid. Don’t be shy!
“Now’s the time to speak to her. Boorish modesty, fly far from here! Chance and Venus help the daring.”
Don’t worry about messing up or saying something stupid.
“Not from my rules your eloquence will come. Desire her enough, you’ll be fluent yourself.”
Be Gentlemanly
Ovid strongly emphasizes that good manners is necessary for dating.
“Gentleness especially impresses minds favorably. Harshness creates hatred and fierce wars.”
Moreover, don’t be argumentative, whatever you do.
“Away with disputes and the battle of bitter tongues. Sweet love must feed on gentle words.”
Give lots of compliments
You can never give too many compliments, when it comes to dating.
“Now secretly surprise her mind with flatteries, as clear water undermines the hanging bank. Never weary of praising her face, her hair, her elegant fingers, and her slender feet.
Similarly, elsewhere he recommends…
“Only play the part she commands you to. Condemn what she condemns. What she approves, approve. Say what she says. Deny what she denies. She laughs, you laugh. Remember to cry, if she cries. She’ll set the rules according to your expression.”
Befriend her friends
If you’re trying to attract a girl, Ovid says to get in the good graces of her friends. In his day, that was usually the household maid. This will make it easier to talk to the girl. As Ovid writes,
“…to get to know your desired one’s maid is your first care: she’ll smooth your way. See if she’s close to her mistress’ thoughts, and has plenty of knowledge of her secret jests… she’ll tell the time when her mistress’ mind is receptive, first for love.”
Be visible
Sometimes, the most straightforward thing you can do to get a girl is to just be available. Be around, be there.
“Let her always be seeing you. Always giving you ear. Show your face, at night and in the day.”
Yet absence makes the heart grow fonder. As Ovid also tell us…
“When you’ve got more confidence that you’ll be missed, when your absence far away will cause her worry, give her a rest. The fields when rested repay the loan, and parched earth drinks the heavenly rain.”
Be prepared
Ovid may have been a love-poet, but he was not naive. He tells us that, if you want to love, get ready for some pain and heartache.
“Love is a kind of warfare. Slackers, dismiss! There are no cowards guiding this standard. Night and winter, long roads and cruel sorrows, and every kind of labor are found on love’s campaigns.”
Start young
Ovid makes a point of telling us youth is an essential factor in romance.
“Have fun while it’s allowed, while your years are in their prime. The years go by like flowing waters. The wave that’s past can’t be recalled again. The hour that’s past never can return. Life’s to be used. Life slips by on swift feet. What was good at first, nothing as good will follow.”
Find someone you actually like
Maybe most importantly, Ovid explains that, in the dating world, there’s no one right answer. It all just depends on what you like. So to finish off, here’s some final words from the Roman poet on the multifaceted nature of love.
“There’s diversity in women’s hearts. A thousand minds require a thousand methods. One soil doesn’t bear all crops. Vines here are good, olives there. This teems with healthy wheat.”
A good perspective, regardless of the century.
Benjamin Shehadi is the founder of Hot History and the author of the recently published book Napoleon: The Revolutionary Hero.
“Have fun while it’s allowed, while your years are in their prime. The years go by like flowing waters. The wave that’s past can’t be recalled again. The hour that’s past never can return. Life’s to be used. Life slips by on swift feet. What was good at first, nothing as good will follow.” Agree, except for the last sentence. :)